Wednesday, March 30, 2011

The San Juan Theory

Perhaps the earliest rendering of A San Juan
    I'll admit it, I have a deep fascination with mystery and conspiracy. Some have even claimed that my imagination runs too wild. Granted, as a young sprout, I did read my fair share of Nancy Drew and Goosebumps books. I'm sure this contributed to my my need to be sucked in to quixotic mysteries. The whole Harry Potter/ Twilight phase didn't help either. But now, as an adult, I appreciate more sophisticated mysteries. No longer does Nancy Drew satiate my need for mystery. Indeed, I have moved on to bigger and better things, like the History Channel. Nothing pulls me in like a good episode of "Ancient Discoveries" or "Monster Quest"! While I still entertain certain conspiracies such as Drake being Barack Obama's illegitimate son, Barack Obama's brief and private affair with Oprah, the fact that Chris Brown and Keisha Cole are indeed the same person and finally, the channeling of Michael Jackson's spirit into Bruno Mars ( I mean...He kind of rose up pretty quick after Michael died); I have never been more sure about the mystery that I will expose to you in this blog. 
    Let me start by saying that this is no shallow theory. I have observed certain patterns over time. I have slowly collected data and tested the waters (pun intended). I have concluded that there are very legitimate grounds for my theory. This theory is as follows:

In every mid-sized to large body of water, there is an existing creature that is (a) mysterious and unknown or (b) unnaturally large; this creature is referred to as "A San Juan"

A San Juan that may be more familiar to the post modern human
     Let me explain. My theory began long ago when I went fishing in my fathers pond. There were mostly little fish, like what you would use to bate bigger fish. Nothing worth catching. Then, I spotted it....The San Juan. This fish was unnaturally large for such a small body of water. I tried by best to catch it, but it eluded me. 
My theory began to develop more when I was at my church's spring break trip. There was a small lake in which we would perform recreational activities. One day, as I was leisurely taking a swim, someone told me, "Don't swim over that hole!".  Naturally, I asked, "What hole"? Then  I realized.....that extremely large, dark spot at the bottom of the lake wasn't merely a "muddy spot"....It was a gaping cave of no return hole in which some baneful creature lived....It was where The San Juan lived.
     Fast Forward (I'll forgo telling you about the other minor incidents), I am in college at the beautiful PBA. We have what is called an Intercoastal waterway. I already had my suspicions. The water was always disquietingly murky. Eventually, my suspicions were validated. Some people had spotted a long,abnormal wake moving about the intercoastal which they called, "The Muck Monster". I was not fooled. It was The San Juan. 
Yes, this too is a San Juan
     Finally, there is the ocean. The ocean is a breeding ground for San Juans everywhere. And oh yes, there is a San Juan of the ocean. The story has been building up for years with legends of strange sea creatures and ancient drawings. There is a San Juan lurking in the shadows of the ocean floor. Just wait and see! 
You see people, the stories you hear of The Lochness Monster (probably the most famous San Juan), enormous squid and of strange river creatures are true! Keep your eyes open because I'm sticking to my guns on this one. There is always a San Juan lurking out there....

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